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Britney Update!

Reasons to Hate Britney Spears: An Annotated Study

Wherein www.neoplatonic.com provides rational reasons to hate Britney Spears

December 9, 2003

It has come to the attention of this writer that most of the Earth's population hates Britney Spears.  This implacable loathing transcends all lines of classification, as members of all races, all socioeconomic groups, all religions and creeds partake in this global Britney-hate-fest.  This hatred is, for the most part, inchoate.  That is, the vast majority of people hate Britney for no discernible reason other than that she merely exists.  Because emotions lacking rational foundations have the unfortunate tendency of being easily manipulated, this writer believes that it is imperative that the present global Britney-hatred immediately secure clearly enumerated and explainable underpinnings, lest the world be swallowed up in a conflagration the likes of which would make the Crusades, the Holocaust, the Great Leap Forward, and the Rwandan genocide, all combined, appear as insignificant as not waking up in time for work.

Herein is created a sound and logical framework upon which to base a rational hatred of Britney Spears.  With this foundation in place, global Britney-Armageddon will surely be avoided.

Reason the First: Britney Spears is Ugly

Britney Spears is commonly regard as "attractive."  This is a fallacy of both logic and aesthetics.  She is no piece of prime beef.  Spears is not only unattractive, but genetically deficient.  Her offspring will be weak and feeble.  This statement is easily supported by pictorial evidence.  Observe:

A.  Britney has acne.  Acne is an inflammation of the skin, typically on the face, caused by bacterial infection of the pores and hair follicles.  This disorder is indicative of a weak immune system and poor hygiene.  Careful study of Britney's skin will reveal scars from previous infections and continuing outbreaks to this very day!

Britney: the very paragon of health and beauty?

No!  Gasp!  Acne scars everywhere!

This is a scene from Britney's latest DVD "Stages."  Does she not appear clean, free of infection?

No!  Behold!  Pimples!  Pimples, eveywhere!

B.  Britney's face is not symmetrical.  Bodily symmetry is gaining acceptance as a modern measure of beauty and health.  Britney's eyes are not even.  This indicates poor nutrition while growing and possible flaws in her genetic background.

The cover of Britney's latest album boldly flaunts her eye asymmetry.  What has the world come to when such freaks of nature are free to expose themselves without fear of ridicule and bodily harm?!

Anyone daring to mate with Britney will have to chance progeny with eyes even more skewed than their mother's!

C.  Britney has poor eyesight.  Our early ancestors relied on keen eyesight to avoid predators and locate food.  Weak visual acuity doomed individuals to early death or reliance on the kindness of others.  Britney Spears requires corrective lenses to improve her eyesight.  Eyeglasses detract from her overall appearance and indicate that her descendants will most likely stumble about half-blind as they attempt to avoid hungry lions and vicious, man-eating elephants in the forest primeval!

Without glasses, Britney would never be able to order tasty lattes from her favorite coffee shops.

Even Britney's cheekiness cannot mask her many flaws!

D.  Britney and Down's Syndrome.  Down's Syndrome is caused by trisomy of chromosome twenty-one and is marked by mental retardation.  Phenotypic manifestations include slanting eyes, a broad short skull, and broad hands with short fingers.

Honestly, Britney does not have Down's Syndrome, but sometimes her eyes do look odd and slightly reminiscent of this genetic abnormality.  It is a very strange thing, but worthy of being hated.

Is Britney tired?  Or does she hide something far more sinister?

Britney's slowness: Finally explained!

E.  There's something strange about Britney's breasts.  A prominent, sagging bosom is a secondary characteristic of female sexual development.  An image of a woman's fecundity and ability to nurse offspring is enhanced by large breasts.  Surgical procedures to increase the size of the breasts have become common, but enhanced breasts not in proportion to the rest of the body or badly and unnaturally shaped can actually detract from a woman's attractiveness. 

In this instance, Britney's breasts have long been a subject of much speculation.  Either they are perfectly natural, or else the object of surgical enhancement.  The Shroud of Turin will be found to be the true burial garment of Jesus Christ--because Jesus himself will appear to tell us so--before the "mystery of Britney's breasts" is finally solved.

Beautifully firm and buxom?

Tanned far too much and weird?

F.  Britney relies on cosmetic enhancements.  A universal practice, observable across most human cultures, involves the use of cosmetic devices such as makeup and hair management to improve one's appearance.  The clever use of cosmetic devices highlights secondary sexual characteristics and, as a result, makes one appear more fertile.  Britney Spears takes full advantage of cosmetics to enhance her appearance.  Images of Britney sans makeup draw attention to what is ordinarily a rather plain and bland face.

Makeup is used to make eyes appear larger, cheeks more rosy, and skin glowing and radiant.  Here we see Britney squinty and pale and puffy.  Eww!

Proper management can make the hair appear full and healthy.  Caught unawares, Britney's locks are stringy and thin and dull.  Eww!

The above pictures present incontrovertible evidence of Britney's unattractiveness.  Moreover, these same images clearly demonstrate that Britney suffers from numerous nutritional deficiencies, infections, and genetic flaws.  Those believing that Britney is attractive are either grossly incompetent, on a genetic level,  to judge human beauty or victims of willful self-delusion.

Thus ends part the first of this study providing rational reasons to hate Britney Spears.  Part the Second, to be posted next week,  will provide reasons to hate Britney based upon characteristics of her career.